Mental Notes

I’m big on mental notes; just one of the “mental” things commonly associated with me. Mental notes are those little post-its of brain energy that you store for later use – in case anyone is not familiar with the term. When a child burns his hand on the stove burner, a mental note is posted; “DON’T TOUCH THAT!” it says. (Yes, in all CAPS just like I wrote it). You see, at some point in my life I realized that failure is not to be feared – failing the same way twice, however, is shameful.
So, in the spirit of good will toward men and all that joyful stuff left over from the Holidays, I thought I’d share some of the little lessons that I’ve learned along the way. Those that have been mentally posted in bold, headline type, as well as those that I’ve learned to shake from my head and chalk up to my own stupidity. My thought here is that if I can save just one person a trip to the ER, I’ve done my good deed for the day. And after all, (now pay attention, this is going to be a great quote), “A smart person learns from his mistakes – a wise person learns from the mistakes of others.” Yep, that’s mine. Just made it up. Impressive, huh?

These are in no specific order. Just random samplings among the first 10,000 Mental Notes that exist in my brain …

• MN0001: When loading a dishwasher, don’t point the knife-blades upward from the basket.
o MN0001A: A knife-wound at the base of your thumb can bleed until you feel dizzy.
• MN0864: Don’t pet things until you see if they bite someone else first.
• MN0249: If you pass blame to someone else, make sure you’re not holding the evidence.
• MN0631: If the ladder looks wobbly, it probably is.
• MN9131: If you dial 4-1-1 with a question about poker, the operator will usually laugh and try to answer it. Dialing 9-1-1 with the same question does not end well.
• MN2333: Truck engines do not run beneath the water.
• MN2334: If it looks too deep to drive through, it probably is.
• MN4444: The phrase, “when in doubt, gas it!” does NOT apply to ALL situations.
• MN7369: The phrase, “Watch this!” can often end in surgery.
• MN7730: Dinner plate sets are ridiculously expensive.
• MN0661: Not transferring laundry to the dryer for two-days results in stinky-jeans.
• MN1212: Because something will fit in your nostril, does not mean that it will also come out.
• MN9926: Accidentally swallowing a quarter is painful.
• MN0841: Putting Icy-Hot in a classmate’s gym shorts can be funny. Someone putting Icy-Hot in your gym shorts is not.
• MN1678: If the policeman pulled you over, he’s NOT in the mood for jokes.
• MN9999: Old people do not bounce.
• MN0048: Cats do not have a sense of humor, but they do have claws.
• MN8881: It is entirely possible for a knee to fold in the wrong direction.
• MN6148: Chainsaws are not toys.
• MN3488: Because you have checks does not mean that you have money.
• MN9000: Showing disrespect brings disrespect.
• MN8112: The drop is as far as it looks.
• MN0099: I will not make sounds in class. I will not make sounds in class. I will not make sounds in class. I will not make sounds in class. I will not …
• MN9889: Do NOT leave a GPS on the dash in downtown St. Louis.
• MN0911: If you don’t know what it is … don’t eat it.