Sullivan's Sweet Side

Well, I’m a junkie. At first I was in denial but I’ve later come to realize that it’s true what they say; admission is the first step to recovery. And, it’s not like I didn’t see it coming. The advertisements last summer, the price drop on the larger – more addicting sizes. These things all lent a hand in drawing me in and like a hungry wolf spider the overwhelming temptation raced down and wrapped me in a cocoon of bliss before I had even the slightest chance to escape. My addiction? McDonald’s Sweet Tea. The Extra-Large, (they don’t say Supersize anymore as it’s associated with fat – they’ll even correct you if you say the dreaded “S-word”), now just 99-cents plus tax, of course.
Oh sure … many of you are going to bash me for referring to my meaningless Sweet Tea “situation” as an addiction. Some will even think that I’m disrespecting those who have “viable addictions” to things like nicotine, alcohol and drugs. Well, before you even get your little fingers flying on the hate-mail-spewing keyboards, let me just fill you in on a little something. With the volume of McDonald’s Sweet Tea that I consume and the sheer power of the cravings that I suffer for the stuff, it IS an addiction. I’m helpless. I can’t control myself. I’d strip off my clothing and dive into a pool of it so long as I were allowed to drink my way out. You think I feel good about that? I’m lowering my self-esteem and my bank account $1.06 at a time. (That’s the local tax total, by the way. I know it well).

Like most addicts, I don’t blame myself – yet, not totally anyway. I’m sure that through counseling and some additional group support, maybe someday I can take full responsibility. However, there are some extenuating circumstances that suspiciously hint toward a conspiracy. I feel it’s only in the interest of public safety that I bring this to your attention. Namely, the recipe for the satisfying, sweetly delectable juice of the gods served at our local McDonald’s is vastly different from the other McDonalds locations; it is much sweeter. Test me on this – you’ll see what I mean. Sullivan McDonald’s has the sweetest Sweet Tea on the face of the planet! Now, I’m not saying that this is a marketing ploy to sell more Sweet Tea, but to those of us with an insatiable sweet tooth, this stuff is like CRACK! (Woops, there goes another $1.06).
I’m afraid that when I run out of money, I’m going to have to start robbing children’s piggy banks and selling off my rare thimble collection just to support my habit. And then what? (Okay, I don’t really have a rare thimble collection. I made that up).
Some of you will look at me with a condescending eye of emotion after reading this. It’s a common reaction to running across a known addict. Yeah, you’ll feel sorry for me with regards to the inward fight that I’m battling and that sympathetic look of concern is the emotion that you’ll display outwardly. Beneath that, however, you’ll likely be hiding a feeling of enhanced self worth as the back of your mind will be telling you that you are better than me. You could have become a Sweet Tea addict, but you have willpower and I – the weakling junkie – do not. You might even feel guilty about that emotion, but it will be there.
And, of course there will be that look of suspicion in your eyes that you won’t completely be able to camouflage. I’ll see it – if only a fleeting sparkle for a moment – and I’ll know that you won’t invite me to your house without first locking away the Lipton Tea Bags and C&H Sugar. I can’t blame you. After all, I’m the one with the Sweet Tea addiction.
Well, it’s important that you know that I’m trying to beat the addiction through several methods. The hypnotist I met on the corner of 4th and Washington in St. Louis didn’t solve my problem, but I do crow like a rooster when a bell sounds and he took my wallet. (Yeah, the guy was actually “on” the corner, not in an office. That should have been my first clue). The Iced Tea Patch doesn’t seem to work, either. I’ve eaten a whole box of them with nothing but a stomachache. And the 12-step, group therapy program was a total bust. It’s hard to stand up and admit your addiction and serious commitment to recovery when you’re in a room with a clown, some purple guy named Grimace, several odd-looking trolls calling themselves the Fry Guys and a big-nosed fellow with a mask who has an addiction to hamburgers. They somewhat kill the mood.
So, for now I’m stuck as a slave to my Sweet Tea addiction – unable to find a way out. I’ve researched all of the bad things that such abuse can bestow on a person, and aside from the typical health risks associated with high sugar/high caffeine intake, I have determined that there is an upside to this whole mess. You see, I figure it this way … I drink about 10, 32-ounce Sweet Teas per week - normally while driving. I drive about 40,000-miles per year. Based on those numbers, I’m netting about 307.69 miles per gallon of Sweet Tea. (That’s about 1.4-cents per mile). Based on that, I’d say that I’m probably the most fuel-efficient addict out there. That’s gotta’ count for something.